Musings

As we enter day two since the tragedy I am unsure of how to proceed. I am at a standstill as I wait until tomorrow’s doctor visit. I am not in the full throws of miscarriage yet but I know it is coming.

I have decided that I will have them administer the pill to help “induce” my miscarriage as opposed to the D&C simply because I can’t stand the thought of someone forcibly removing him from me. I know it will be more painful, last longer and will virtually rule out any chances of knowing why this has happened but it seems more normal and natural than the sterile hospital environment.

In other news I have some great people in my life, family and friends both. I talked about it with my mother in law for the first time today which was difficult but reassuring. Rachelle was kind enough to bring me breakfast, Melanie offered to visit me but I am not up to it. My sister in law, my aunt, and several other friends have been in touch which means a lot. It is hard to be home alone but it is impossible for me to fathom being at work or anywhere else.

I was able to venture out of the house last evening to go to Vons. It was only for about five minutes and it was really tough but it was not that bad. I am going to Wal*Mart soon with husband which will be nice. I am wearing my normal clothes for the first time in about one month which is strange and sad all at once.

Today Audrey, the housecleaner, came and I was able to give her the package of diapers, prenatal vitamins, prego pillow, a maternity shirt, two rattles, a bib and some prego pops to take home to her daughter who is expecting in April. I didn’t want to part with my maternity clothes because I am planning on trying again just as soon as I am able. This time I will be so much better prepared since there will be no smoking to quit etc. It felt good to give that stuff away. I feel like I need a totally new start when I conceive again.

I just ask that you continue to pray for us as it is what is keeping us going; most especially since I am not able to pray in full faith right now. As husband said I have faith the size of a mustard seed at the moment.

Update: Went to Wal*Mart and it went alright. The bleeding and cramping is starting just as they said it would. My back is aching and so we went to look for the heat patches. In the aisle was an older man with an infant in his cart. I could feel my throat constrict and I kind of smiled. He was so proud; his first grandson. I said how pretty he was and congratulated him. It took all I had not to start crying right then and there.

I should probably not be up but I feel unable to stay in one place. I can hardly sleep unless I am medicated and it is hard to be alone in a silent house for a long period of time with only my thoughts. I hope to be able to see people over the weekend I just couldn’t take it today. If any of you wouldn’t mind coming over and not really talking at all please text or call me.

God Bless